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GAY SHAME​/​WHITE FEELINGS

by Fear Not Ourselves Alone

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A.T.L
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A.T.L This whole album is great. Token, Ivy, It Gets Worse and Amor Vivo are so good that they make me hope FNOA puts out a screamo album at some point. Favorite track: IT GETS WORSE.
buttlegend
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buttlegend Incredible... If you told me three years ago that someone could write a record that so perfectly encapsulated my emotional turmoil I would call them a liar
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    "GAY SHAME/WHITE FEELINGS" on limited edition CD. Includes lyric booklet and layout by lead guitarist Jon Baron!

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1.
TYPE A 02:19
driving in your car getting hot off of who you are and you are not impressed by anything i offer you i'm fucked up on your innocence i wonder what you do on weekends when no one provides you with the kind of comfort humans crave craving a body has never felt like this am i craving whiteness? find yourself in the heart of it
2.
TOKEN 03:46
What’s your name? What’s your race? What’s between your legs? Do you have a name for it? You either are it or you’re not You either use the right terminology You’re either white, middle class and privileged or you bend yourself to that stereotype White feelings White feelings I am a gay bear in Los Angeles too consumed in my privilege to acknowledge it Tokenize me Yes I’m /that/ friend but you don’t care about who I really am or where I came from that “foreign” place but if I was born here, can I claim my race? You can’t read me so you can’t know me for who I am ha! ha! ha! ha! You only read me for my white privilege I am a genderfucked girl in Ohio I am shaving the sides of my head to be a part of it I want to be a part of it all (I DON’T KNOW SHIT!) in the heart of it all I want to be a part if it all (I DON’T KNOW SHIT!) in the heart of it all Tokenize me Yes I’m /that/ friend but you don’t care about who I really am or where I came from that “foreign” place but if I was born here, can I claim my race? You can’t read me so you can’t know me for who I am ha! ha! ha! ha! You only read me for my white privilege Do you want to know my name? Do you want to know my race? Do you want to know what’s between my legs? Because I swear to god there is a name for it Do you want to know my name? Do you want to know my race? Do you want to feel uncomfortable around people who are not just like you? DO YOU WANT TO BE INCLUSIVE? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN BY INCLUSIVE? WITH YOUR INVASIVE FUCKING QUESTIONS JUST LET ME BE A FAKE MINORITY WITH YOUR INVASIVE FUCKING QUESTIONS AND THAT DUMB SMILE ON YOUR FACE BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO BE INVITING BUT BEING SO INVASIVE ASKING: “WHAT’S YR NAME? WHAT’S YR RACE? WHAT’S BETWEEN YR LEGS? DO YOU HAVE A NAME FOR IT? WHAT’S YR NAME? WHAT’S YR RACE? WHAT’S BETWEEN YR LEGS ...IS THERE A NAME FOR IT?”
3.
IVY 02:33
Ivy wants to be anything but Ivan. She wears her mommy's pretty dress, while watching the TV she says, "Oh, what a pretty woman! This is my favorite show!" Enjoying her afternoon snack, not seeing mommy go, "NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT, IN PUBLIC NO LESS. TAKE THAT OFF THIS INSTANT BEFORE YOUR FATHER GETS HOME." Mommy took her favorite dress and ripped it to a shred. Mommy took her favorite son, she stabbed him in the chest. Ivy didn't understand, why would mommy do that? Was it something that she did? As the blood spills out her chest, she says, "Oh, what a silly woman! This is who I am! And I know that you can't understand, and I'm so so sorry for that." Mommy took her favorite son and killed him instead of telling him, "Hey Ivy, world don't work like that." Ivy don't get out of bed now Ivy don't go out to bloom now
4.
VOID 04:48
Who did make fun of you in your attempts to wear skin that did not belong to you? Who did make fun of you in your attempts to make something prominent? Sweetheart, you're significant. Your voice moves mountains, your voice shakes bridges. Your voice breaks a mother's heart, your voice shuts a father up. Like true love- it's like true love. Where no one is touched, there is no sorrow, no void. But the universe is out to get me. But the universe is out to get me. But the universe is out to get me. But the universe is out to get me. (it's on your mind now) The universe is out to get me. (it's on your mind now) The universe is out to get me. (you will make your parents cry) The universe is out to get me. (do we not all deserve love?) The universe is out to get me. (no sorrow, no void)
5.
WHITEWASHED 02:37
Your parents didn't have the opportunity you have to be depressed They were busy working their way out of a country you did not grow up in Hablando un idioma que ni conoces Soñando de una vida que solo has vivido Pero usted dice que solo estas deprimido y que ellos no saben de los sueños You feel helpless You feel selfish You feel whitewashed Taken over Like gentrification, except on your skin You are the Spanish son with the Spanish blood a symbol of a people taken over
6.
I will die happy hang my body by its jaws so i'll be caught smiling then my dad will know it all and i'll wear my boyfriend's pretty dress and i'll wear my mom's bra and she'll be caught screaming, "oh my god my son is gone" he is gone gone goddamn i better get this right or i won't go at all so i'll learn to tie my knots real tight my body's in the hallway, make sure to tie up my loose ends let everyone know that i love them and i'll see them in the next few lives or maybe not at all at all
7.
Ivy wants to be anything but what Ivan wants to be so he says, "HEY FAGGOT FUCKER, SHUT UP!" but he's secretly in love, with a Xiu Xiu fever dream A dream where you feel dysphoria, every time you touch a lover's hand A dream where you smell your dad, when you wear your mom's clothes home all alone Ivan's skin and bones are growing an Ivy plant's arms and legs making sense of questions what's between her legs in her head who's right to question but in isolation her pronouns are not respected looking to mirror, Ivan asks, "Ivy, are you even living?" You just want a boy to come and still want to hold you in the morning, to tell you, "Ivy, i love you for the pretty girl that you are." You just want a boy who would hold your hand through a sex change I am so fragile, i could die in the streets, trans and alone Or you could just be a good boy Or you could just be a good boy, if it is what you want, if it is what you are Within your gendered constitution, you dream of a resolution Listen to Xiu Xiu Listen to Xiu Xiu and pretend it does not hurt
8.
AMOR VIVO 06:56
What was the weight your parents lost for a country they gave up on? What would you have to do to make it worth their weight? Would it involve your dead name? It's a life you do not choose (because you don't want to) It's a life you do not choose (because you don't have to) Gastando sacrificio, un gasto de tiempo y nuestro harmonia porque papi queremos lo mejor para usted... PERO NO SOMOS INVISIBLES. TENEMOS SENTIMIENTOS Y SE VEN EN LO QUE DECIMOS. ES SIGNIFICANTE! Y LO TENGO ESCRIBIDO EN MI FRENTE, ES LA FORMA QUE YO DIGO, NO ES LA FORMA QUE YO GRITO, "YO EXISTO. YO EXISTO. YO EXISTO. HASTA MI ÚLTIMO RESPIRO." Do you think about your parents at the moment of procreation? Un amor vivo sealing your dead name But what would happen if it was abandoned? Gay shame or white feelings? In western dreams and trans misgivings, in border crossings and crossing your name out It's gay shame and white feelings, it's western dreams and trans misgivings.
9.
HRT 01:14
take me to your car fuck my asshole but not too hard you make me less depressed, you know i love you for the pretty girl you are 'cuz you need me like a dog in heat you take me inbetween hormone injections opposite of what you were born with it makes you less depressed i know taking drugs for who you are inject them through your leg so you can look more like you do in your head
10.
TYPE B 02:33
take the needle out no one hears you pull your shorts up so no one sees who you used to be or what you are your battle scars of surgery now you're getting hot you're feeling heat from your reflection you wanna fuck white boys with latin skin so you feel less bored and more in love with who you are sing in Spanish, diga lo que quiero es un amor vivo compartido por no decir, "porque te vas?" because you get so bored staring at Ivan's reflection but you just wanna be like him you're wearing your heroine lipstick Ivy's blush in the rearview mirror, getting pegged by a big pink dildo

about

"GAY SHAME/WHITE FEELINGS" asks what it means to claim an identity. How many categories may one occupy before there is a lack of self? Who benefits from the claiming of a space? For what groups do our politics exist, and which groups take up the most space in conversation? In navigating queer and latinx identities whilst holding cis and white passing privileges, I arrive at a conclusion: it is sometimes enough just to exist. To identify as queer, to identify as trans, to identify as latinx, that is enough to justify my weight.

However, this record seeks to acknowledge intergenerational weight. Being the child of diaspora in a country where histories are pushed aside in the interest of assimilation, what does finding selfhood mean in relation to the sacrifices my parents made in their early twenties immigrating to this country? The answer I have come to is similar, where in building a life for myself I am honoring their contribution with the hopes of creating something bigger for myself than they could have ever dreamt of. I am enough to justify their weight.

credits

released October 12, 2018

On this record, FEAR NOT OURSELVES ALONE is:
Jorge Ivan // Ivy - words, vocals, guitars, synthesizers
Jonathan - guitars, album art
Daniel - bass, drums (tracks 1, 3, 6, 7, 10), synthesizers
Maya - drums (tracks 2, 4, 8)

This album was written from autumn of 2016 to autumn of 2017. With the exception of "HRT", which was recorded on my four track at home on Christmas Day 2016, this album was recorded by Maya Chun over the course of ten days in January of 2018 at Metal Frat in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Thank you to the sweet folks at Metal Frat who housed us, allowed us to record in their home and made us feel as if a part of their family. This album was mixed by Maya Chun and mastered by Mac Porter.

This record is dedicated to queer and trans youth of color. Know my heart is with you and I love you more than words can say. This record is also dedicated to my parents, thank you for the sacrifices you've made for me. I promise to always honor and grow from what you have given me.

All proceeds made via Bandcamp sales of this record will be donated to the Sylvia Rivera Law Project.

In love and solidarity,
Jorge Ivan // Ivy

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Fear Not Ourselves Alone Queens, New York

The last punk band from Queens, New York.

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