1. |
CHILD
02:32
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i was a child. oh my god, you were too? i was a child. oh my god, you were too. i was a child when we were two, when my bones were brand new and you were feeling used.
[you were a child crying outside a burnt down house where your mother used to live before she sent you to a mental hospital to figure yourself out. are you better now? a roman catholic prayer and a greco roman hymn to ease the edges off like xanax hits and a first love kiss]
i was a child. oh my god, where are you? there is something i have to tell you: i know your holes now, i taste them in my mouth.
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2. |
TRANSREAL
03:38
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You were born yourself alone. What name did your parents give you? And does it agree with what white people tend to call you? And you were given a gendered experience, because your name provides a gendered experience. The world is fucked in peculiar ways, like if you go by they/them my god they will judge you.
It all started at 15 when the guns started ringing in your head, let's call it manic depressive. Because I know it's not my fault and I know it's not your fault either, but I was in love with a they/them, oh my first love, it feels fucked up to call them that now. But would it be worse to say that I want their body parts, or the world should reflect the way that their body works?
The world should reflect the way that their body works. And my God's not real, she is transreal and she is my best friend. She carries knives into the shower, screaming her lungs out we sing, "rest in power".
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3. |
BURN
02:12
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there is heat inside your home
it lingers into flame
we holds hands as your house glows
secret places we all go
who forgot to shut the stove
it was you in the place of me
i told you it was easier
to watch your family die first
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4. |
PRAYER
05:14
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If I pray, then can I feel you? And if I prey, then can I be abused by the God inside of you? We're on the F train and no one is looking. We're on the way to see your therapist. She likes the both of us, so we can tell her that we've stolen cars, broken each other's hearts and taken your mom's meds from her closet. She doesn't deserve them.
//
I FUCKING BURNED YOUR HOUSE DOWN FOR YOUR ATTENTION. MY RETENTION SPAN HAS ALL BUT FADED. I STILL TAKE MY MEDS, BUT IN LARGER DOSES. I WAS A FUCKING CHILD **** *** ***** **.
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5. |
DOSAGE
02:07
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I will find you when we can be ourselves again. We are girls, we have no one to blame for awful thoughts in our brains. Give me larger doses of all the things I want most: drugs, love and somewhere to sleep in a house we can call trans home. Give me larger dosage.
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6. |
HYMN
05:22
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The dosage was off.
Refrain.
Refrain.
Refrain
Refrain.
Holy mother, if you’re out there, I need some guidance. In your grasp, what is a body and what is a mind? Because I am running out of ways to love my life.
It’s what you said
a soft prayer, a hymn
in negligence
how it never ends
I know you don’t want to talk about it anymore.
Refrain. Refrain. Whilst singing a soft hymn, the wind whispers back a name. Your name. The leaves keeping my mouth shut, a house burnt down for lack of love. Refrain. Refrain. Refrain. Refrain.
(BROKEN
THEN BEATEN
THEN BROKEN
I'M SO…)
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7. |
GLOOM
02:15
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you're sneaking out
you liar, you thief
yeah you're sneaking out
i hear it in the leaves
because you're not that hard to pin
with your gloom
in your room
with your rules
yeah you're out of luck
you're poking at veins
just trying to find
one good hit
but it isn't there
and this isn't real
and i am not there
and you are not real
so when i pin down your arms
there will be no more gloom
and i'll give you your room
yeah, i'll give you your room
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8. |
DRAIN
02:55
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give me sharp objects because I want to rearrange my skin in the shower
it's just red water down the drain
for you i bleed insane
because you were a child
when i was one too
and boy does it eat me up, to know that my prayers and hymns and him are not enough
oh, doesn't it drive you insane?
that girlbody in your brain
would meds make me feel okay?
because i'm so sick of blood clogging up the drain
[i’ll cut myself off from you / but i won’t say the right things / rearrange this skin / erase this sin]
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9. |
HONEYCOMBS
01:56
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Praise be holy sleep. You woke up after being fucked up on your mom’s drugs. You felt better by the pale, white heat of my hands checking to see if you were still breathing.
“It was like honeycombs,” you said. You suck the life right out my head. God I hate you so much. Why do you spend your days fucked up? You lack a good reply.
[lacking a good reply / while hating myself so much / i’ll spend my days fucked up / i’m in my room alone / i’m in my room alone / watching the days go by / like honeycombs i said]
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10. |
GIRLBODY
04:20
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I ran away from my girlbody. I could not face her face to face. Oh my god. She is pursuing me in my dreams screaming: "I will appropriate you. I will appropriate you so we can procreate. So we can procreate, I will inseminate you. I will inseminate you so we can procreate. So we can procreate."
I ran away from my girlbody
I ran away
I ran away…
God, I wish I did drugs when I was younger.
God, I wish I was cool like you.
God, I wish I had your glasses.
God, I wish I could kill you for your gender, the one you don't even consider as we walk into your parents' house.
Fucking shouting, "I will appropriate you. I will appropriate you so we can procreate. So we can procreate, I will inseminate you. I will inseminate you so we can procreate. So we can procreate."
I ran away from my girlbody
I ran away
I ran away...
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11. |
PHIL
03:08
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I was so lonely until you found me, because writing songs in the past was such a drag.
You know my name, it's Phil Elverum. You bought my records and you read the inserts. Front to back then, a few more times again because you like the way that I wrote my songs.
Yes, yes! We live in the future now where you like my songs, so you write them down. We live in the tropics, we smell the flowers, we puke in the sand and we're ignorant of the lives that came before us. But I miss the beaches of Philadelphia and you miss Olympia. But at least we fear not ourselves alone now. At least I fear myself less now.
And it's all because you're my friend Phil Elverum. We wrote these records and we wrote the inserts. Front to back then, a few more times again because we like the way that we wrote each other's songs.
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12. |
TRAVELING SONG
03:49
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I'm coming coming coming coming to your house and we're going going going going places that I don't even know. Like the tropics, like Anacortes, like Philadelphia and its beaches.
I felt my size in your glow. Buried in the snow, your flames wouldn't grow. I recall the fire, the lack of dawn, the one-sided warmth when you wanted more.
You wanted the tropics to forget all about it, but I have claimed the tropics to sing songs about it.
And they will be sung to the melody of:
"You'll be in the air.
You'll bear fruit
your bare feet
your bare arms in the heat
You'll be able to feel your might."
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13. |
NAMESAKE
04:15
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I was a child. When were you one too? And were you sick as a child too? By the sound of your (shh! shh!) dead name? (shh! shh!) No one knew.
I was a child stuck in tropic white sands. In Philadelphia, I was derelict and high back then. I was trying to wreck my name back then. It was then I heard your record and decided to steal your dead name.
Because struggling with my namesake was way harder than keeping myself in the heart of it.
I thought I was boring to you,
I thought I was controversial
I thought I was boring to you
,
I thought I was circumstantial
I was a child stuck in the remnants of your old house. In Olympia, it was raining on me and I did not want it stop. It was then I decided to take my shirt off in the middle of the street where no one saw me steal your dead name.
Because struggling with your namesake was such a precious thing for me to miss out on, while struggling with my own namesake left me with no ending, no glory, just a slow resounding story on:
How turns out I was boring to you
!
When i thought I was controversial
!
Turns out I was boring to you
,
only ever circumstantial.
you were
a child
crying
on a beach
in philly
while i was
struggling with
my namesake
whilst struggling
with
your name
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14. |
BLOOD
03:04
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keep my mouth shut
i can’t keep
it
closed. i don't wanna feel your glow no more. it's like your clothes and i don't want to wear them anymore.
i have found myself wanting new skin without concern for the new blood that it brings.
keep my mouth shut
i can't keep
it
closed. in the snow you were a child waiting on warmth. in your mother's best dress trying not to make a mess of skin that was torn up and made fun of. it was too intense for me to handle, but now i shed this skin in exchange for blood loss.
oh, i don't wanna feel your glow no more. it's like your clothes and i don't want to wear them anymore.
i have found myself wanting new skin without concern for the new blood that it brings.
keep my mouth shut
i can’t keep
it
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15. |
ACROSS THE COUNTRY
01:33
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You are 40-year old man in big city in California, USA. What is it you dream about? I could touch you without disregarding my mental health right now.
Because I’ve got your record and you’ve got my song.
I could never be your conscience.
I could never replace you with Rivers Cuomo.
I think it would be wrong.
ha ha ha ha ha
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16. |
RANK
02:40
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I feel so bad ranking the ones I love so much. I love too much. But it must feel so good to know that you are number one. You're the one, even above Phil Elverum.
But I taste your name in the air now, couldn't keep my mouth shut, now I can't get it out. Phil is in Olympia, while you've claimed the tropics. In a few months, I'll be over the sea and moving to the Pacific.
Still chasing your glow. Still acting like no one else has to know all that you have done. You thief, you embrace your sheep skin.
(there was no waste,
no hesitation
when we burnt down your house as children
no crack of dawn,
no morning
just an everlasting warming
and it felt so good)
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17. |
BASK
03:13
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I want to bask
in your glow
secret place
I already know
So what will you do in front of your new friends when I break your bones, steal the glow from your hands and bask?
Pinning down your arms
With the utmost grace
You taught me how
Sincerity fronts shame
Until you’re stuck in the gloom, nodding off, sneaking out. Burning down another house, do you remember how for a second we just basked?
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18. |
SHAME
03:16
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Shame is my name, I write to you from a bedside where I will get to know my strengths and weakness in light of your glow now. The hot white heat, the coldness of snowfall.
I’m trying to find a way to recognize my shame. I’m trying to find a way to reconstruct my name.
Shame to the tropics now, we burnt them to the ground. The beaches all dried up, it happened inbetween the tears that rained on me and the breaking of thunderclouds. An ever consuming guilt that took me when you left.
So now I’m trying to find a way to recognize my shame. I’m trying to find a way to reconstruct my name.
I’m trying to find a way to recognize my shame.
I’m trying to find a way to recognize my…
But Phil you’re in the tropics, and I am microscopic in relation to the size and shape of her glow.
I’m trying to find a way…
I’m trying…
Shame is the name I ascribe to myself now, a story of I record I wrote then on a friendship which I know now has ended. I will write it on my forehead and you will know their name then.
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19. |
DAZE
03:44
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Phil, Phil Elverum roams in a daze 25 years from now. He hates the way I write about him now. But you were in the air Phil, when I felt the size of your glow! And I was in their room then, writing “FEAR NOT” to forget my head. But Phil, I didn’t.
Roam in a daze the rest of your days, because the beaches are gone, they’re all dried up and I am just the same. I am just the same.
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20. |
BEACH SONG
02:11
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I saw you on that dried up beach
where phil elverum sleeps with a glow
caught up in philadelphia dreams
your name was too far out of reach
when i didn’t mind sharing warmth
as children
you were a child then
when i was just a child too
now you’re sanctified by new blood
and i came out to no one
i came out to no one
i came out to no one
i’m coming out
i’m coming out
i’m coming out
[“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY DIED”]
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Fear Not Ourselves Alone Queens, New York
The last punk band from Queens, New York.
Fear Not Ourselves Alone recommends:
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Intake Occupation
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address the tension, headfirst into action
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